
Taking Marriage Up A Tree
Is your marriage built on solid ground, or are you constantly fixing problems that seem to pop up out of nowhere? Often, the issues in marriage aren’t the ones we see, but the ones buried beneath the surface. In this episode, we explore the hidden "underground" issues that can undermine even the strongest relationships. Using Psalm 1 as our guide, we’ll discuss how marriage is like a tree rooted in good soil—flourishing only when planted in the wisdom of God’s Word. You’ll learn the dangers of focusing only on the visible, how to avoid the influence of worldly thinking, and the importance of nurturing a relationship that honors God. Whether you’re newly married or have been married for years, this episode offers practical, biblical insight to help your marriage thrive. Don’t miss it—this could be the key to finding true stability and joy in your relationship.
Transcript
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her pastor and was hysterically crying. “Bill and I had our first fight . . . it was awful . . . I mean it was really awful . . . what am I going to do?”
The pastor responded, “Calm down, Joanna . . . this isn’t nearly as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first big argument – it’s all part of growing and learning.”
She said, “That’s all well and good, but . . . but, what do I do with the body?”
Maybe you approach the subject of marriage with those two options in mind – how to learn to grow through the struggle or, what to do with the body!
A big part of the marital challenge is simply due to the vast differences between men and women.
Let me spell it out:
What women want is to be loved, listened to, desired, needed, affirmed, trusted and – sometimes – they just want to be held.
What men want are tickets to the Superbowl.
Case closed.
Not so fast . . . marriage is actually much more than all the above, isn’t it.
I read recently about the construction of a town hall building in a small northern Pennsylvania town. All the citizens were so proud of their little red brick building . . . a long awaited dream which finally came true. Not many weeks after moving in, strange things began to happen. Several doors failed to shut completely and windows weren’t opening and closing smoothly. As time passed, cracks began appearing in the walls and within a few more months the front door wouldn’t even shut. Then the roof started to leak. The city fathers began an intense investigation and discovered that deep underground, blasts from a mine several miles away were causing underground shock waves. Those small, nearly undetectable waves of pressure and movement were weakening the earth beneath the building of that little town hall. (SOURCE: Charles Swindoll, Living Beyond the Daily Grind: Volume 1 (Word Publishing, 1988), p. 5)
It was almost imperceptible; taking place ever so quietly; one little rumble after another, deeply underground.
While most marriage counsel deals with the fruit of marriage – evidences of love, affection, respect and more, let’s make an investigation of the root of marriage.
The average person thinks marriage has to do with everything above ground. They believe they can fix their marriage by working on the windows of the second floor; by changing the paint color on the front door – in fact, most marriage counseling in the world today begins and ends with the visible.
Fix this, fix that; get your spouse to do this, cook that for you, wear this for you, take you there . . . frankly it becomes an exercise of self-focus – it merely makes a husband or wife even more self-absorbed and self-centered than they might have been before marriage.
In fact, one survey I read this week had, by a margin of 3 to 1, Americans saying that the main purpose of marriage was mutual fulfillment. (SOURCE: David Creary, “Key to a Good Marriage?” www.ap.org)
- It had nothing to do with servanthood;
- it had nothing to do with demonstrating the mystery of Christ’s relationship with the church;
- it had nothing to do with a desire to bring glory to the Creator of life and marriage;
- it had nothing to do with the raising of a godly heritage;
- it had nothing to do with living out the character of Christ . . . it was simply all about us.
Most marriage material out there today is simply giving people more ammunition to make them more self-centered and self-absorbed than ever.
In other words, I married him because I believed he would meet my needs and fulfill my life; or I married her because she made me happy and seemed dedicated to meeting my needs.
And isn’t that the foundation of a good marriage?
I have read that 85% of marriage counseling is initiated because either the husband or the wife and sometimes both believe their spouse is not meeting their expectations.
One counselor I read was rather bold and quite funny when he wrote that most men who come to see him and complain about their wives and describe what they want out of marriage really don’t want a wife, what they really want is a golden retriever. That’s really the relationship they describe – somebody to live for them.
This kind of attitude causes us to try and fix our marriages by dealing with symptoms . . . governed by our own feelings . . . bound up by our own hurts . . . we depend upon our spouse’s behavior and when they don’t come through marriage fails.
The trouble is, when we focus on each other . . . we look only at the visible . . . the obvious . . . the symptoms.
We need to go underground.
Much of what makes a marriage successful is directly related not to the visible, but to the invisible . . . like the roots of a tree clutching good soil, hidden from view.
Let’s get on our gear, turn on our headlamps and dig into Psalm chapter 1 – a poem that actually explains what makes a good relationship, certainly in marriage and throughout all of life.
- How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of the scoffers.
- But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night.
- He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.
- The wicked are not so, but they are like chaff which the wind drives away.
- Therefore, the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
- For the Lord knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.
This Psalm can be outlined simply enough:
- The first point in verse 1 is – refusing the counsel of the world.
- The second point in verse 2 is – loving the counsel of the word.
- And verse 3 and following are simply the results in life, based on whatever counsel you choose to follow.
What the Psalmist does first in verse 1 is tell us what not to do if we want to destroy life – and you can certainly apply this to the destruction of a marriage.
Refusing the Counsel of the Word
It begins . . . How blessed is the man . . .
In other words, everything David is about to tell us brings genuine fulfillment and true joy to life.
The Hebrew word for blessed means joyous or happy, but it goes deeper than that. The root meaning of this word refers to someone who is going forward . . . someone who is advancing; it can even relate to someone who is leading the way.
The Hebrew word paints the picture of a person who is pressing on in life with clearly set goals and a godly purpose in life. (SOURCE: Lloyd John Ogilvie, Falling Into Greatness (Thomas Nelson, 1984), p. 17)
This is evidenced in the Apostle Paul’s passion as he pressed on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14).
So the blessed person in this poem is someone who is advancing in the right direction.
Take a closer look and you discover the individual in Psalm 1 isn’t progressing – he’s digressing.
You could circle three key words in verse 1: walk, stand and sit.
Here’s the progression.
Verse 1; How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked.
This phrase suggests that a person is listening to the counsel of the ungodly – he’s on the path but somewhere along the way, some ungodly person has hopped in the passenger side and gained a hearing.
Keep in mind that in this first step toward trouble, the believer isn’t necessarily agreeing with his traveling companion – he’s simply listening.
The Psalmist takes us to the next step in this progression; nor stand in the way of sinners.
At first they’re just listening to unbiblical counsel . . . now they’re agreeing with it.
The word stand is another key word – it has the idea of taking one’s place with the unwise.
The word here for sinners refers to someone determined to live on a horizontal plane with no vertical relationship with God.
In other words, these people might not be cursing God – they’re just ignoring Him.
They are practical atheists. They say God exists, but practice their lives as if He doesn’t.
You might work around people like these; you might even go to church with them.
To them, God doesn’t matter . . . He really doesn’t factor into their thought, plan, or life.
Decisions are made without Him. Life is lived without any connection to the Lord or His word, except for an hour or two on Sunday morning.
Listen to the warning here in Psalm 1 – their advice is like and undertow – a rip tide. It can be fatal.
The Psalmist is effectively cautioning us to not slow down as you press on; don’t get sidetracked; don’t invite ungodly counsel into your life. You will end up being tempted to believe whatever you hear.
A law firm created a billboard campaign in the Chicago area targeting the young, wealthy Gold Coast clientele. The billboard read, “Life’s short – Get a divorce.” On either side of the words were sensual photographs of a scantily clad couple.
Within a week, the city took down the ad citing technical problems. The truth was, some people complained.
The legal firm defended their billboard by saying, and I quote, “We find the advertisement refreshingly honest and insightful. It’s true, people are unhappy, there are plenty of options out there – get a divorce and get on with your life.” (SOURCE: ABCnews.com, “Billboard Turns Heads” (5/7/07))
Well, if the primary purpose of marriage is self-fulfillment, then the ad makes perfect sense indeed. It can be praised as honest and insightful. Hey, if marriage is slowing down your party, toss it overboard.
One writer to the editor of the news Agency editorialized, “For those that think this billboard advice is clever, how about placing a 5 year old girl and an 8 year old boy in the background, clutching daddy or mommy as they leave the house for someone else.”
Now that would be honest . . . but not so refreshing.
The danger of the digression described by the Psalmist David is this: to listen to them is to eventually stand with them; to stand with them is to eventually join them.
You begin with listening, then agreeing and finally you settle down with them – making ungodly counsel your own personal conviction.
That’s what the Psalmist meant when he writes at the end of verse 1, “nor sit in the seat of scoffers.”
Now you’ve taken a seat; you’re entrenched. You’ve bought their lies.
The digression went from walking by to settling down and then finally moving in.
What began with a casual walk becomes a way of life; personal compromise became personal conviction.
The path of blessedness is abandoned and now self rules every relationship, every activity, every pursuit.
And people – especially spouses – now matters only in what they can give you and in whatever ways they will serve you.
This is death to the joy of marriage – this is the loss of the blessedness of marital union.
They now sit in the seat of scoffers. The Hebrew word for scoffers is letsim – a reference to those who actually mock the counsel of God.
One book that made headlines, now in its second printing, is simply entitled, “Affair” with the subtitle, How to Manage Every Aspect of Your Extramarital Relationship with Passion, Discretion and Dignity.
On the back cover it reads, “In the face of near universal disapproval, between one quarter and one half of all married Americans will at some point engage in an extramarital affair. They will have either an enriching experience or the sad, destructive ugly mess for which affairs are far better known. [In this book] many of the major pitfalls are avoidable and an extramarital relationship can bring a person greater happiness and personal growth if properly managed.”
Chapter titles ranged from “Preparing to meet that special someone”; “Tending to your Spouse” and “Graceful Goodbyes”.
You might think, “That’s ridiculous; I’m not doing any of that stuff – I’m go to church, for heaven’s sake.”
The truth is nobody gets married with a copy of that book on their nightstand.
But the warning remains . . . and the warning is for us.
Even as you’re pressing on – are you giving the counsel of the world a hearing?
What about that co-worker who tells you how great their life is now that they dumped their spouse? Shouldn’t you find someone else to eat lunch with?
What about that friend who tells you that what you really ought to do is whatever you want to do; forget the restrictions and responsibilities of marriage and family; you are the most important person in the equation of life.
Shouldn’t you find another friend?
What about the movies and television you’re watching – have you given scoffers of God’s counsel a hearing?
What about books you’re reading and music you’re listening too?
The average Christian today would say, “Man, you really need to loosen up!”
The Psalmist would say, “You need to look out! Steer clear! Be careful!”
A few years ago, a national, evangelical poll asked adults which, if any, of eight behaviors with moral overtones they had engaged in during the past week.
The results were staggering:
- 28% had used profanity
- 20% had gambled
- 19% had viewed pornography
- 12% had gossiped about someone else
- 12% had gotten drunk
- 11% had lied about something
- And 9% had been sexually active with someone other than their spouse (SOURCE: The Barna Group, “Young Adults and Liberal Struggle with Morality,” barna.org (8-25-08))
In one week.
The truth is, the believer is surrounded by the sights and sounds of ungodly living and ungodly counsel.
The Psalmist effectively says, “Don’t stop to listen . . . and whatever you do, don’t pull up a chair and sit down.”
In other words, don’t let the roots of your life go down into the soil of ungodly counsel.
Eventually it will affect the leaves of your life; it will eventually spoil the fruit of your marriage.
But telling us what not to do is never enough, right?
Verse 1 tells us what not to do but verse 2 tells us what to do.
Loving the Counsel of the Word
David writes in verse 2, But his delight is in the law of the Lord.
The answer to the worlds seduction and the pride and sinfulness of our own lusts and lives is the law of the Lord; that is, inspired revelation from God.
That’s the message In Pilgrim’s Progress, when Pilgrim is running with the Bible clutched in his arms as he shouts, “Life; life; life!” (SOURCE: Donald Williams, Mastering the Old Testament: Psalms 1-72 (Word Publishing, 1986), p. 27)
All other counsel that opposes the Bible is death; death to relationships; death to marriages; death to true happiness.
That’s why verse 2 turns everything upside-down – actually right-side up; But his delight is in the law of the Lord.
Another key word to circle is this word delight.
His delight is in the law of the Lord.
In the Psalms, the law is used as a reference to the expression of divine will; it is the compass which directs all of life. (SOURCE: Adapted from Ogilvie, p. 20)
The Psalmist isn’t referring to some small portion of God’s revelation, but all of it.
The Apostle Paul will say the same thing to Timothy – that the word of God is inspired and profitable for doctrine, reproof, correction and training in righteousness so that the man of God will be entirely equipped for life. (2 Timothy 3:16 & 17)
I read about one man who got a verse or two from a book he’d read entitled, “Man of the House” during his commute home from work. He thought it was time to try it out on his wife. He walked in the front door, pointed his finger at her and said, “From now on, I’m the man of the house and my word is law. Tonight you’re gonna prepare my favorite meal along with my favorite dessert. When I’m done eating, you’ll draw me a bath and when I’m finished relaxing in my bath, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?” His wife said, “The Funeral Director.”
Way to go!
The Psalmist doesn’t say we delight in the word because we find a verse or two that seems to prove our point; a passage that can be tortured into letting us have our own way.
David is implying that we absolutely delight in the totality of God’s wisdom so that God has His way in our lives.
Another key word to note in this Psalm is the word, meditate. Verse 2 reads, and in His law he mediates day and night.
The Hebrew word for meditate literally means to utter sounds. Often it’s accompanied with another word which means to call to remembrance. (SOURCE: Williams, p. 27)
Psalm 143:5 perfectly defines meditation when David writes, “I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the work of Your hands.”
The word meditation actually refers to the mouth.
This was the command to Joshua – to not let the Book of the law depart from his, what, his mouth. (Joshua 1:8)
I am concerned over one of the newest fads in the evangelical church regarding contemplative prayer; the practice of simply remaining silent and waiting to hear the voice of God.
This practice dates back to the medieval church and the solitude of the monastery; it led to confusion, not certainty.
Frankly, we don’t need to get in a room where it’s quite and wait for God to speak. He’s already spoken.
The idea of Biblical meditation is not sitting in silence but remembering and ruminating on scripture.
It isn’t emptying our minds but filling our minds with God’s truth – with the attitude of obedience and submission.
One married man approached his pastor with his decision to divorce his wife. His justification was that he didn’t have any feelings for his wife anymore. The pastor wouldn’t give in that easily and reminded the man that loving his wife was a command, not a feeling. He said, “The Bible says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.”
The man said, “I can’t do that!”
The pastor said, “Well, if you can’t begin at that level, then begin on a lower level – the Bible also says you’re supposed to love your neighbor as yourself. Will you commit to at least love her as you would love your neighbor?”
He said, “No, that’s still too high a level.”
The pastor said, “Well then, the Bible says to love your enemies too; so start obeying that command.”
When we sink the roots of our lives into the soil of scripture with an attitude of submission, notice what happens next.
He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers (verse 3).
Three words characterize this individual’s life, relationships, and certainly his marriage.
And these happen to be tree-like characteristics.
Stability
He will be like a tree planted by the rivers of water.
The implication here is that the believer has been transplanted from a dry place to a river.
The illustration is of a tree firmly rooted and healthy because it is able to draw from the water nearby. It’s growth is assured, strong and stable.
In this image, the river is the law of God – the truth of God.
Paul wrote to the Colossians to be rooted and built up in Christ; which expands the metaphor to include the truth found in Christ and His wisdom.
Paul writes, Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith. (Colossians 2:6)
The person David has in mind has effectively said an unflinching no to the barren, dry counsel of the world and a committed yes to the rich, nourishing counsel of God.
One author writes of this commitment; “Maintain a pure uncompromising walk; delight yourself in His word and you’ll grow into a stable, reliable spiritual tree. There is no shortcut. Like physical growth, it occurs on a daily basis; with the right kind of spiritual diet and climate, you can experience blessedness many times over. And best of all, the daily grind of compromise and its erosive effects can be checked.” (SOURCE: Swindoll, p. 11)
Fruitfulness
The second characteristic of someone tree-like is the word fruitfulness.
Notice verse 3 again – He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season.
Roots that soak up Divine truth will result in a display of spiritual fruit.
Just think how this fruit will impact your marriage – the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22).
Fruit isn’t the result of harder working trees, it’s the result of being fed and nourished by roots reaching into watery reservoirs.
If we deepen our mental, physical and spiritual roots into the reservoir of Christ’s word character, love and patience and kindness eventually blossom.
Endurance
There’s a third word that marks our marriages as tree-like – endurance.
Notice the promise of David’s Psalm, and its leaf does not wither; and whatever he does prospers.
When tough times and winter weather blizzards in, our tree remains an Evergreen.
Our leaves don’t dry up and blow away like the chaff of ungodly lives – here today and gone tomorrow – because we are rooted in the enduring wisdom and character of Christ.
A survey taken a little over a year ago by the U.S. Census Bureau found that a couple’s odds of reaching their 25th anniversary are now below 50%. Multiple spouses have now become the norm in the Western world.
In fact, I read that one of Germany’s lawmakers has actually proposed legislation just over a year ago that would legally terminate marriages after seven years. The legislation would allow couples either to extend their marriages or allow them to terminate automatically after the seventh year ends. (SOURCE: Madeline Chambers, Glamorous politician wants law to allow 7-year itch,” Reuters (09-21-07))
This is dry, barren counsel of ungodly people who believe their wisdom will bring happiness. It doesn’t.
Like chaff, blown about by the wind, verse 4 clearly warns us that their unstable, unfulfilled lives are scattered, not stabilized. Their relationships are frustrated, not fulfilled.
Why? Their lives never rooted at the right place.
In his insightful book, The Disciplines of a Godly Man, Kent Hughes writes of his friendship with Robertson McQuilkin, the former president of Columbia International University. Robertson’s wife Muriel was in the late stages of Alzheimer’s when Dr. McQuilkin resigned his presidency to take care of her.
In his resignation letter he wrote, “My dear wife, Muriel, has been in failing mental health for about 8 years. So far I have been able to care for both her ever-growing needs and my leadership responsibilities at Columbia. Recently it has become apparent that Muriel is contented most of the time she is with me and almost none of the time I am away from her. It is not just “discontent.” She is filled with fear – even terror – that she has lost me and always goes in search of me when I leave home. It is clear that she needs me now, full-time. This decision was made, in a way, 42 years ago when I promised to care for her “in sickness and in health . . . till death do us part. So, as a man of my word, I will do it. She has cared for me fully all these years; if I cared for her for the next 40 years I would not be out of debt. Duty, however, can be grim and stoic. But there is more; I love her. I do not haveto care for her . . . I get to. (SOURCE: Adapted from R. Kent Hughes, The Disciplines of a Godly Man (Crossway, 1991), p. 35)
This is much more than temporary infatuation when everything goes your way. This is the endurance of a man or woman who chooses the blessed pathway . . . not the simplest pathway.
It certainly isn’t the easiest.
But it is the path marked by the wisdom and nourishment of God. It is the path that runs alongside a river – where you can sink the roots of your life deep into His soil and then bear fruit that both glorifies Him and brings genuine joy to your relationships.
I remember as a kid the delight my brothers and I had in the backyard tree – perfect for climbing. It was a solid oak tree with branches designed to inspire the imagination of four boys – and relieve a mother who desperately needed us out of the house.
We built a tree house up in those limbs. It wasn’t much to look at, but we loved our own special sanctuary high above the backyard lawn.
What made that tree house capable of staying up wasn’t so much our skill . . . although we applied ourselves with plenty of boards and nails.
What made that tree house secure was the strength of the tree and the mighty branches that cradled our best efforts.
I couldn’t help but think . . . the best place to build a marriage is up a tree; cradled by the branches of a strong commitment between a husband and a wife, planted by the river of God’s word.
Men and women rooted by conviction at the river’s edge; whose hearts and ears are open only to the wisdom of Christ.
Marriages nourished, stabilized and empowered; ultimately bearing the fruit of His character, bringing honor to His name and delighting in His eternal glory.
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